Ding-dong! Another kid joins a Zoom call.

Shoo-shoo-shoo! A child is pretending to fight with a lightsaber.

“Moooommmmm!” Someone needs tech support with their distance learning.

“I DON’T UNDERSTAND!”  The 1st grader is shouting at his teacher because he’s struggling to learn to read on Zoom. Buzz! My 1st grader’s teacher texts me to tell us she’s had to kick our 1st grader out of Zoom – again – because he was shouting at her.

This has been the soundtrack for my worklife for the past 11 months. There was some respite from some of the noise over the summer when the kids were just at home, not at home trying to learn on Zoom. The backdrop is distracting, making it hard to focus on work and look professional in front of my colleagues and students.

While there is no easy solution to this, I can share a few things that have made it easier for me. Working with the situation rather than pushing against it has helped the most. Try applying the A, B, Cs.

Acceptance

One, accept that this is the current situation. Once you accept that you are in it and can only change your own reaction, not the situation itself, there is a peace that comes with it.

Breaks

Two, schedule yourself a break. When you’re working, schooling, and living from home, it’s easy to hop up from work and immediately begin engaging in taking care of home and family. Taking a break can send the signal to yourself that you are transitioning from one mode to another. I usually wash my face and change clothes. Even better, get some exercise or take a walk as your transition.

Compassion

Three, have compassion for yourself. We’ve all felt guilty for getting frustrated with our families. Even if you are lucky enough to be able to stay home, like I am, it is normal to get frustrated, exhausted, angry, and sad when you’re cooped up with no place to go. We can be grateful and at the same time be burned out – even betrayed – because so many leaders have failed to find better solutions for working parents.

My wish for you is that these ABCs bring you a little peace, even with the din of distraction.

My post-Thanksgiving email inbox teemed with requests needing immediate attention.

My to-do list as I approached the end of the semester grew longer, with both professional tasks and personal ones.

“Get gifts for your teaching assistants,” my mind yelled. “Write that down!”

“Have you graded those papers yet?”

“Do you have a Christmas menu planned?”

“What about Christmas cards?”

“You need to write thank you notes for your colleagues!”

“Have you sent out the agenda for the faculty meeting yet?”

This was no way to start an abbreviated workday cut short by the necessity of pandemic homeschooling. I needed a clear head if I was going to get anything done. I decided to create my own reset.

Step 1. Interact with the natural world. Step outside, open a window, or just gaze outside at the sky or some trees. Looking out of a window at a forest view has been demonstrated to increase work satisfaction and decrease stress. Try it – 3-5 minutes.

Step 2. Shake it off. Try this technique I learned from Frances Darnell at Dynamic Core Wellness. Feel your feet on the floor, and start by shaking your left hand and arm, then your right. Move to your legs, then eventually your whole body. You can see it demonstrated in this brief video.  2 – 3 minutes.

Step 3. Do a brain dump. According to David Allen’s book Getting Things Done, unfinished tasks are like open loops in our brain that will continually draw our energy and attention. He recommends creating a card, either digitally or physically, and writing down each one. I like to create a list of things on my mind, and then figure out if I’m procrastinating them and why. 5-10 minutes.

Feel better? In less than 15 minutes, you’ve reset yourself and are ready to focus on whatever is next.

It’s often the first thing out of people’s mouths when introducing me.

“Nicole has four children. I don’t know how she does it.”

It’s meant as a compliment, for sure. Yet the phrase, “I don’t know how you do it” has always rubbed me the wrong way. However, I had a hard time figuring out why. So I asked in my academic mamas online group for some feedback as to why.

The phrase was almost universally hated. Most acknowledged that they knew people were trying to be complimentary, but that they hated the phrase. Some said they felt there was a hidden judgment in it (“Should you really be working with all those kids at home?” being what people really meant.)

Others commented that no one wanted to know the answer of how they actually made their work and life balance “so seamlessly,” because it required sacrifices to their health and well-being. One commenter said that it made her more aware of all the ways she had to hide her struggles at home to appear more competent at work.

One main reason is that “I don’t know how you do it” fails to acknowledge any structural challenges inherent in being a working parent. Daycare is expensive, with little support from workplaces or the government. Not everyone has family support nearby, and with adults working longer, many grandparents may not even be able to provide childcare even if they are close.

Workplaces often fail to acknowledge working parents, which they could do by offering more parental leave, flexible scheduling, and onsite daycare.

In my own experience, the same person that says, “I don’t know how you do it,” is also the one who was shocked when I said I would not be answering emails for a month after giving birth to twins. Many of us put on a brave face in the workplace because this is exactly the place that we have less leeway to be fully ourselves.Workplaces are changing, with more parental leave, work-from-home arrangements, and flexible scheduling. However, with the pressures of online schooling and lack of childcare in the pandemic, we are seeing a massive exodus from the workplace of working mothers.

Maybe the truth is, without more support from society and workplaces, we just can’t do it anymore.

If you want more ways to support working mothers in your workplace, please let me know. I am happy to consult with your leadership team in creating structures to offer more support. And if you are looking for a way to express support for the working mom on your team, try this phrase, suggested by a commenter: “Having a full-time job and kids must be hectic – kudos to you for really crushing it! I’m really impressed by your drive.”

Having three or more children is much rarer than it was in the past. 63% of women ages 40-44 have 1-2 children; only 14% have four or more. Taking into account level of education, women like Barret with a postgraduate degree and four or more children are rare. Only 8% of mothers ages 40-44 with a postgraduate degree have four or more children.*

With four young boys and a PhD, I also fall into this 8% of American women. However, there’s no one size fits all for managers looking to hire and retain women with large families. With 865,000 women having left the workforce in September alone**, figuring out how to hang on to your top employees with families is going to become even more essential for organizations. Here are a few tips on how to consider employees with large families.

First, create psychological safety. Depending on individual preferences, employees may or may not be comfortable discussing their families at work. While you may not want to spend a lot of time on discussing your personal life, opening up about your own family situation can send the message to others it is OK to bring their whole self to work. Covering up parts of our identity in the workplace takes a toll on productivity and can make employees more likely to leave.

Second, acknowledge their role but keep it professional. Acknowledging your employee for wearing multiple hats is great; dwelling on it is not. Comments like, “I don’t know how you do it” have the effect of undermining the effort that many employees put in to maintain a sense of professionalism at work. Try something like, “I know you wear many hats, and I appreciate how organized you are in your role at work” acknowledges their home life without undermining the effort they put into their job.

Last, don’t make assumptions about preferences of workload. Nothing is more frustrating to a mother than when people assume she does not want a bigger role due to her family life. I’ve been on the receiving end of such assumptions, and have had to ask specifically for a bigger role. If there’s a task or role that a mother of a large family would be appropriate for, then ask her if she wants to take it on. Always ask rather than assuming.

Organizations need strategies to keep more of their women in their work force.  Mothers with larger families require some extra attention.  Good luck keeping your key employees on the team.

*Family Size Among Mothers | Pew Research Center. (n.d.). Retrieved October 17, 2020, from https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2015/05/07/family-size-among-mothers/

**Carrazana, C. (Oct 11 2020). 865,000 women left the workforce last month. USA TODAY. Retrieved October 17, 2020, from https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2020/10/11/865-000-women-were-laid-off-last-month/3609016001/

The author, dressed as Rey for Halloween alongside two Jedis and an R2D2

The final movie in the Star Wars saga, the Rise of Skywalker, is coming out soon. Regardless of your feelings on the sequels, prequels, or even the original movies, Star Wars contains a number of leadership lessons. Here are my top three takeaways from watching countless hours of Star Wars with my boys.

1. Grow your influence by empowering others.

Say what you will about Senator Palpatine / the Emperor, but the Sith Lord knows how to stay in power. Palpatine illustrates the central tenets of Rosabeth Moss Kanter’s classic “Power Failure in Leadership Circuits,” namely that when we empower others, we grow our own influence. Palpatine grows his influence by cultivating and mentoring others. He empowers the Trade Federation to create conflict on Naboo, while advising Queen Amidala. He leverages these relationships to become Supreme Chancellor of the Republic.

Of course, Palpatine’s most famous protege is Darth Vader. He entrusts him to build the Death Star and track down the rebels. After Vader’s demise, Palpatine taps Kylo Ren to capture Rey, the new Jedi threat. Through mentoring rising stars across the galaxy, Palpatine manages to stay influential during a number of tumultuous periods.

How can it work for you? You don’t have to be a dark Sith Lord to use this tactic. Cultivate your network by finding out what makes people tick and find ways to help them achieve their goals. Give your subordinates enough autonomy to learn from their mistakes.

2. Coercion will get you nowhere.

As powerful as Emperor is, Darth Vader seems destined to surpass him, at least for a time. Unfortunately, Vader’s subordinates obey him mostly out of fear of having their larynxes crushed. As we see, fear doesn’t motivate employees to put forth their best performance. The second Death Star appears years behind schedule and tracking down the Millenium Falcon becomes an impossible task.

As a side note, do Empire minions work 24-7? The Death Star doesn’t seem to offer much work-life balance to subjects of the Empire. I’d rather be a smuggler like Han Solo. At least you can stop off after work for a drink with friends.

How can it work for you? We know that coercion is the least effective form of power. Maybe you’re not literally crushing throats, but do you hint at your ability to fire, demote, or take away the best work from your employees? Even offering rewards can hint at your ability to take them away. Try using personal sources of power. This can look like bringing your expertise into a conversation, relying on your network to help you promote a particular point of view, or appealing to your team’s values and desires in their work. Also, give your employees a break. Overwork leads to burnout – or unfinished Death Stars.

3. Invest in succession planning

The Star Wars story is essentially all about succession planning. Who will lead the Empire? Who will lead the Republic? Who will be the next Queen of Naboo? Who will be the next Jedi to bring balance to the Force? Whether light or dark, everyone in the Star Wars galaxy is seeking out new talent to lead the next generation.

How can it work for you? Are you seeking out and cultivating the next generation of talent? Just as in Star Wars, they may currently be in unexpected locations. Your next CEO might be wasting away in your organization’s Tatooine. And if you see rising stars as a threat, remember that by cultivating and empowering others we grow our influence. It’s rare that we forget our mentors and sponsors who have helped us along the way. The rising star you mentor today could be the leader who brings you back for one last battle to save the Republic.

May the Force Be With You!